If Dogs Were Bartenders This Is What They’d Serve
Feb 24, 2026
Today is officially World Bartender Day. The bartender is perhaps the best-known, most widely-loved architype in popular culture. According to what Hollywood has fed us over the last 100 years or so, bartenders have caring hearts, a willingness to listen, and they dole out sage advice.
Who else has caring hearts, a willingness to listen (most of the time) and the ability to suggest something more fun than wallowing in your misery? Dogs! I started thinking…how would bars and drinks be different if dogs were the bartenders, and here’s what poured out of that sometimes-scary space between my ears.
Malteseini (Martini)
This drink is classic, elegant, and formal. Only order this drink from bartenders with the best pedigrees if you want a true Malteseini. It’s served neat in a cold glass and if you touch the olive garnish, you’ll be “rewarded” with some saucy side-eye.
Old Fetchioned (Old Fashioned)
A strong, sweet, muddled mess of a drink that’s timeless and traditional. Best made by any breed of scenthound, your bartender will make it slowly and carefully and serve it with a reminder that “things were better in the old days.”
Hair of the Dog (Hair of the Dog)
Yes, this drink is already dog-themed and dog-named, but now it’s literal. Best served by a bartender of a double-coated breed, optimally when they’re in full coat-blow. Instead of a salt rim, enjoy the undercoat rim. This drink is guaranteed to cure whatever bad decisions you made yesterday, or at least distract you from them.
Pawloma (Paloma)
This drink is bright, refreshing, and unexpectedly athletic, so choose a Mexican breed of bartender to be your mixologist for best results. A Xolo, Chihuahua, or a Chinese Crested (yes, the name is misleading!) will add just the right balance of smoke, soda, and salt to the tequila and ice, and serve it up with a stylish spin. Or two. Or maybe ten! Best enjoyed after a long walk — salt rim optional, tail wags mandatory.
Whiskey Sit (Whiskey Sour)
Sharp, opinionated, and insists you follow instructions to the letter. Expect a Belgian Malinois (AKA Malligator) to create the best Whiskey Sit you’ve ever tasted, complete with the frothy foam on top. Whiskey, simple syrup, lemon juice, egg white. Pro tip – don’t watch your bartender separate the yolk from the white. Just remember, alcohol purifies, so any germs left by the bartender’s tongue will die a boozy death in your glass. Remember – sit first. Then sip.
Greyhound (Greyhound)
Fast, lean, and straight to the point. I bet you can guess which breed makes the perfect Greyhound cocktail. And if you want a short glass, just go ahead and order a Whippet. Tart, pink, and loaded with plenty of kick, this drink will get you there quick. No frills, no garnish — just efficient refreshment and soulful eye contact from your bartender.
Bargarita (Margarita)
Loud, joyful, and absolutely here for a good time, this drink should be made by only the fastest Border Collies. Think agility courses – who’s the best and fastest jumpers? The Border Collies, of course. Your bartender won’t knock a bar while whipping up this classic - salt on the rim, lime on the side, with zoomies guaranteed.
Bloody MinPin (Bloody Mary)
This classic brunch cocktail must be created by a dog with classic style – the MinPin is just such a dog. If you can’t find a MinPin bartender, then a Boston Terrier or Doberman will be equally stylish. Tomato juice, vodka and everything in it — celery, olives, hot sauce, pickles, Worchestershire sauce, and instead of a straw, use a collagen chew stick. This drink is perfect for Sunday mornings and questionable life choices.
Tom Colliens (Tom Collins)
Friendly, reliable, and excellent for a crowd, this drink must obviously be made by a Collie. Rough or smooth coat, your bartender will whip up this gin, lemon, and club soda drink as many times in one night as you can maintain your balance on the barstool. Do be sure to tip your bartender, and they’ve helpfully tipped their ears as a friendly reminder for you.
Manhattantrum (Manhattan)
This sophisticated and dramatic drink requires a sophisticated and equally dramatic bartender, so of course you should only have this drink made by a Frenchie. Careful, though… if you make special demands, your bartender is likely to have a meltdown while making very strange, very loud sounds. One wrong garnish and the bartender flings himself or herself dramatically on the floor, paw over eyes, refusing to acknowledge your existence. Wear your best party manners when ordering this drink, so as not to tick off your bartender.
Siberian Affair (Savoy Affair)
This list wouldn’t be complete without something made by my favorite breed – the Siberian Husky. A drink that’s tart, sweet, and packs a punch from three different alcoholic beverages, your bartender will shake things up, spill them out into a chilled glass, and garnish with a strawberry. Of course, the strawberry may or may not make it into the glass, depending on the tastebuds of your bartender!
Now it’s your turn…what drink would your dog make if your dog was a bartender? I can’t wait to hear!
